Monday, June 25, 2007
With A Little Help From My Friends...
...Foreigner in CS presents a FiCSesque blog about the wonderful world of NBA. (No, this isn’t a blog about The Beatles’ 40-years-old album ‘Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band’ phenomenon. Well, kinda not.)
(FiCS Records Ltd. All rights of the manufacturer and of the owner of the recorded work reserved. Unauthorised public performance, broadcasting and copying of this record prohibited. Made in CzechoSlovakia.)
1. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band... aka HC D’Antoni’s Sad Hearts Club Team
My bud Enrico e-mailed me this: *Hey, I’ve got a fantastic stuff for ya. You can spend the summer writing about your favorite player Amare and Coach D’Antoni and their quest for that freakingly elusive championship. Of course, you should do it with a little help from ‘Of Mice And Men’, classic John Steinbeck’s book. I gave it a try (note: an enclosure below), but I backed off after 15 minutes - I don’t wanna be slaughtered by angry Suns fans.
Here it is:
Of Stouda And D’Mike (Chapter One)
Itinerant hoopster Stouda and his mentor D’Mike rest in a clearing by the river, on their way to a nearby Division IV team where they expect to sign some contracts. They have hurriedly left the last team where Stouda played, following an incident when he kicked opponent’s dirty player. Stouda pleads with D’Mike to tell him over and over again about their dream team, where Stouda’s challenge will be to win the championship.
“Stouda!”, said D’Mike sharply. “Stouda, for God’ sakes don’t drink so much. You gonna be sick like you was last night.”
“Tha’s good,” Stouda said. “You drink some, D’Mike. You take a good big drink,” he smiled happily.
“I ain’t sure it’s good whiskey,” said D’Mike. “Looks kinda scummy.”
That’s great job Enrico, but face it, I got two beautiful months of relax under one sun and to spend two beautiful months of relax parodying two Suns? Don’t ya got me? Sounds not very good. Hmm... it’d be humorous... so you never know someday in September ‘Of Stouda And D’Mike (Complete Version)’ will be released. Stay tuned.
2. With A Little Help From My Friends... aka With No Help From My Friends
Kobe Bryant’s nigtmarish 2007-08 season: With Jermaine O’Neal on the team, the Lakers battle their way into the Western conference’s playoffs - sealing a No. 6 spot. Unfortunately, J.O.’s knee is injured in the last quarter of Game 82. Unfortunately, part II, the Lakers plays (again) the Suns in the first round. Kobe goes for 61 against Raja Bell at the US Airways Center. The Lakers trail by one, but have the ball in Bryant’s hands in last seconds of the game. Kobe pulls for a trey (He wants to surpass Mike Jordan’s playoff record of 63.) over Raja and Amare but sees (*Hey, I should pass to Bynum. He scores that gimme and I’m gonna have an overtime to win over MJ. And the media will eventually give me thumbs up for being unselfish.*) that Andrew Bynum is all alone under the basket. A pass is made. A layup is botched. LA loses. Kobe is so ticked off that he tries to punch Bynum, but is restrained by Phil Jackson’s sore hip. Kobe is suspended for Game 2 which the Lakers lose. It leads to four losses in a row and Kobe’s retirement. After Kobe-free 2008-09 season, he opts out of his Lakers contract and signs wth FC Barcelona soccer team.
3. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds... aka LeBron In The Sky With Debris
It’s no secret that The Beatles used some pot and LSD during their work on that spectacular album. (Hence, conspiracy theorists’ Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds = LSD.)
After 2007 Finals, LeBron King Global Icon Best Ever James will be forever connected with the lowest TV ratings ever. Wow. LeBron is a great baller. Terrific talents. Only 22. Attractive off the court. And somehow he drew the lowest televison numbers?! Where are we living? What are basketball fans watching? Can anybody explain it to me? He even dunks. DUNKS!!!
I know one thing. My bud Coco has always a fucking explanation: *The viewers were LCD-ed by Suns front office. So all casual american fans couldn’t watch games. Hence that Mr. Stern wants the Spurs in the Finals fourth time in nine years. LBJ had no chance.*
4. Getting Better... aka Getting Better The Other Way
...Boston Celtics, Danny Ainge Era. They’ve been tinkering the team for ages. Let’s be honest - if the proposed KG deal would have happened, the Celtics fans would have killed Ainge. No question. Absolutely. I cannot believe the classiest basketball club ever is led by such a mad scientist like Ainge. Witness:
Ainge’s pre-NBA 2007 Finals mindset: I know we’ve made some not-so-bright moves, we’ve been suffering at the bottom, etc., but wait, give us several years... our youngsters will become men and we’ll be the elite. Believe me.
Ainge’s post-NBA 2007 Finals: Screw it, KG’s possible. I know he has an opt-out clause in his contract and can become a free agent next summer. (LEAVING THE CELTS WITH NOBODY BUT F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D PIERCE) But we wanna play in the Finals - immediately in 2008. Pierce + (Not-Young-Anymore) Garnett = The Trophy. We’re making the deal. We send (blossoming) forward Al Jefferson, our No. 5 overall pick in Thursday's (once-in-the-generation) draft and Theo Ratliff's cap-friendly contract in addition to T-Wolves alumnus Wally Szczerbiak and well-raised guard Sebastian Telfair in exchange for KG and T-Wolves very exceptional guard Troy Hudson. And we have Doc Rivers. He’s a perfect championship coach.
Am I dreaming?! Boston’s only rescue is that Garnett’s smart and loyal. Thank you, God.
5. Fixing A Hole... aka Really Fixing A Hole
Now witness: Using ESPN.com's Trade Machine, this following trade actually works. Really. And ain’t it easy? Every involved franchise would get better (well, for Lakers, better Garnett on the floor than Bryant playing poker and 0 NBA games, and well, for ‘Sota, better KG for Lunatic than KG for nothing). It’s easy like feather. However, this won’t happen - this is NBA, where morons can be GMs.
-the Lakers (Mitch Kupchak) trade Bryant to the Cavs.
-the Cavs (Danny Ferry) trade Eric Snow and Zydrunas Ilgauskas to the Knicks.
-the Knicks (Isiah Thomas) trade Stephon Marbury to the Timberwolves.
-the Timberwolves (Kevin McHale) trade Garnett to the Lakers.
LAL plus Garnett, minus Bryant
CLE plus Bryant, minus Snow & Ilgauskas
NYK plus Snow & Ilgauskas, minus Marbury
MIN plus Marbury, minus Garnett
The highest TV ratings in the history of sports. NBA Finals 2008. Kobe+LeBron versus Nash+Stoudemire. Battle!
6. She’s leaving home... aka He’s leaving home
Kevin Garnett’s saga. You know everything about this topic. At the end of the day, GM McHale will get Kwame Brown and Vladimir Snowboardovic for him.
2007-08 Minnesota starting five:
PG Marko Jaric
SG Ricky Davis
SF Vladimir Radmanovic
PF Mark Madsen
C Kwame Brown
Coach: Larry Brown.
7. Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite !... aka Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Phoenix and Mr. Dallas !
Phoenix and Dallas are dreaming about this particular trade:
-the Pistons trade Rasheed Wallace to the Spurs. (Personally, I like ‘Sheed.)
-the Spurs trade Tony Parker and Brent Barry to the Pistons. (What da hell?!?)
-the Lakers trade Bryant to the Heat and the Heat trade Shaq O'Neal to the Lakers. (Kobe-Shaq SWAP. Are ya kiddin’ me?!?)
It’s only a dream, because we have the best GM in R.C. Buford and a mastermind in Gregg Popovich. And I’m absolutely nuts about San Antonio’s fourth title. And I’m absolutely nuts about Alexis Bledel, too!
I’m starting to sound pathetic. The best time to finish this Sgt. Pepper’s blog.
One last thought with a help from John Lennon’s quote ‘The Beatles are more popular than Jesus’:
The Spurs are less popular than Satan.
(Produced by FiCS.)
Lottery Draftees Warning: BUSTS
1995 - Joe Smith, No. 1 to Golden State... in 1995, thought to be better than KG, Rasheed Wallace, Jerry Stackhouse, Mike Finley, Antonio McDyess!
1996 - Todd Fuller, No. 11 to Golden State... in 1996, thought to be better than Kobe, Peja Stojakovic, Nash, Jermaine O'Neal, Zydrunas Ilgauskas!
1997 - Keith Van Horn, No. 2 to New Jersey... in 1997, thought to be better than T-Mac, Chauncey Billups, Tim Thomas!
1998 - Michael Olowokandi, No. 1 to L.A. Clippers... in 1998, thought to be better than Mike Bibby, Vince Carter, Antawn Jamison, Dirk, Paul Pierce (and on and on...)!
1999 - Trajan Langdon, No. 11 to Cleveland... in 1999, thought to be better than Corey Maggette, Ron Artest, James Posey, Andrei Kirilenko, Devean George, Manu Ginobili!
2000 - Stromile Swift, No. 2 to Vancouver... in 2000, thought to be better than Mike Miller, Mo Peterson (help for Stro, 2000 was one of the worst draft classes)!
2001 - Kwame Brown, No. 1 to Washington... in 2001, thought to be better than Tyson Chandler, Pau Gasol, Eddy Curry, Jason Richardson, Shane Battier, Richard Jefferson, Zach Randolph, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas!
2002 - Nikoloz Tskitishvili, No. 5 to Denver... in 2002, thought to be better than Amare, Caron Butler, Tayshaun Prince, Nene, Nenad Krstic!
2003 - Darko Milicic, No. 2 to Detroit... in 2003, thought to be better than 'Melo, Chris Bosh, D-Wade, Kirk Hinrich, T.J. Ford, Josh Howard!
...with the third pick in the 2007 NBA Draft, the Atlanta Hawks select . . . Yi Jianlian!
p.s.: half the /2007 draft/ class isn't even old enough to go clubbing after games (thank goodness). (-mike kahn)
p.s.2: instead of believing in the game, the nba and the sports public are once again more concerned with entertainment than competition. (-charley rosen)
p.s.3: amare stoudemire's more of a finisher than a creator, and he'd be a much lesser factor without being able to dunk the donuts that steve nash constantly feeds him. (-charley rosen)
Posted by Foreigner in CS - Jun 25 2007 5:44PM
Posted by Luke_Mellow at 6:44 PM